Today I am temporarily washing the clown off my face. The emotions that has been gushing through me all day has turn this clown into a regular guy reminiscent of his youth. Back to the time when everything was someone else's problems and the world was my oyster.
"Mak" has always been a pillar of strength in our family. "Abah" passed away at a time when half of us was still in school and me, at my most rebellious. It was tough for her indeed but she held her shoulders up high and plowed our way through thick and thin. Mostly thick when it comes to me.
For the next few years after abah's death, she would regularly cry in silent before sleep. She never slept in the master bedroom again and moved all her stuffs downstairs to the small room next to our kitchen, till now. Here she spend most of her time, praying, resting and contemplating tomorrows challenges that she had to face alone. She stood tall amidst the issues that she had to juggle.
Being an ordinary poor kampung girl back in the 50's, she never had the opportunity to study past standard 6. This magnified the hardship after abah's death since her limited educational knowledge rendered her feeling inferior when dealing with earthly matters. She had to ensure that food and bills were settled from the meagre penchant arwah left us. She also had to make sure that all of us excel in school despite her educational handicap.
All these were invisible to me then. I never appreciated the fact that she was only acting tough to hide her true emotions from us for our own benefit. If she were to crumble like domino's back then, I can never imagine my life now.
Last night we took Mak out for dinner. She had a great time, laughing at gestures and joyfully playing with all her grandchildren. I sat next to her at dinner and watched her aging look, aging eyes, aging smile, aging joy and recalled all the sacrifices that she made for us 25 odd years ago. Nothing can repay what she did for us. Not a night dinner in a 3star hotel nor not dinner in a 10star hotel, every night for a thousand years.
When I was small, sometimes I would wet my eyes and pray to God not to take my mother away from me. Not that soon. This very night, as I type away these words and crystal tears are rolling down my cheeks, I prayto God not to take mak away from me. Not so soon.
I love you very much.